Sarah & Stan's story - Our grief 

I received a phone call in June 2023 from my brother saying, “Don’t worry but Mum has been rushed to hospital with jaundice”. We both had this sinking feeling in our gut. It was six to eight weeks later that she received the horrible news that she had pancreatic cancer, and the survival rates weren’t good. My stepdad also had liver cancer, so this was an awful blow.

The hospital discussed the idea of a stent, but they were very clear that there wasn’t any other option: surgery was not a possibility. Luckily it worked and with chemotherapy she had more time. She was able to come out of hospital and was getting back on her feet and back to caring for my stepdad at home.

My little boy Stanley had the most beautiful bond with my Mum. She would come and stay with us for half the week, as she lived in a different city, she was his childcare while I worked. Mum became almost another parent and the two were inseparable. Her diagnosis meant that she could no longer stay with us, and this hit my son hard: he pined for my Mum and their time together; he also realised that she was very ill and becoming thin, which worried him greatly. 

We had a wonderful Christmas with all our family but after, she started to seem unwell again. My stepdad then unfortunately died in March. We were all devastated and I think it was the start of the end for my Mum, who was absolutely bereft at the loss of her husband and best friend for more than 30 years. It was a rough ride with some huge setbacks.

Following his death and the overwhelming grief that followed, Mum ended up in ICU and we got the call that they thought she was dying three times which was hugely traumatic, especially as I was heavily pregnant by this point. Each time she pulled through and we kept plodding along: she was an incredibly strong person with an admirable will and stubbornness. She couldn't bear the thought of leaving behind her family and beloved Grandchildren. She developed colitis, sepsis and then fluid on her heart unfortunately and she never really recovered after that.

Mum died in June, being cared for by my brother in his home just like she wanted. The following Sunday I gave birth to a happy and healthy little girl and honoured Mum's memory by calling her Dorothy: my Mum's name but also a name meaning 'Gift from God', which Dorothy certainly is. It took me a couple of days to tell Stanley, it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. How do you tell someone so little that one of the most precious people in their lives had died? And only three months after his Grandad died so this time around, he really understood the reality of death. He was devastated just like we were. I told him he could always talk about her and that he can be very open about his grief, but he really struggled.

He had such big emotions and feelings, and they were coming out in his behaviour not just at home but at school too and we didn’t know how to help him. He was crying on the way to school, having nightmares and suddenly getting angry with children and teachers. I was getting multiple phone calls a day about things that had happened at school. We knew he wasn’t coping, but we felt lost. This was all going on while I was grieving too.

I contacted Roots of Support, the children’s bereavement service at Dove House and desperately asked if they could help. I was so relieved when they agreed. I honestly don’t know what I would have done if we hadn’t accessed this service. It was such a turning point for us. Dove House supported him in school and did such amazing things which helped him open up. He shared that he didn’t always want to talk to me as he didn’t want to upset me, I had no idea but suddenly it became clear that he wanted to protect me, even when he was grieving so deeply himself. 

Stan made some lovely things while being supported by the hospice. One thing that really stood out for me was when they wrote a list of memories Stan had of his granny. He was so pleased to show me when he came home, and I honestly didn’t realise he remembered some of the things he had listed. It was heartwarming. To help with his nightmares, Stanley made a 'worry doll' along with a little bed for the doll to sleep in and tiny pillows. Stanley brought the doll home and placed it by his bed, telling me that he would tell the doll his worries and the doll would protect him from nightmares. He hasn't had a nightmare about losing his Granny or Grandad since then. 

The Roots of Support sessions at Dove House really helped him to process what had happened and to feel his grief in a healthy way. We have noticed such a huge difference in his behaviour and so have school.

I have always supported the hospice by donating unwanted goods to the shops and when I found out about the onsite café, I started to visit all the time. It was there I got talking to one of the volunteers, Pat, who suggested that I go to the bereavement group Welcome Wednesday which has been amazing. I didn’t know what to expect but they always give me such a warm welcome. Many members there had lost their Mums and Dads too, and this made me feel less alone. 

I don’t get upset in front of family members or friends and I think because of that people think I am doing fine, but I am not. I know I could share that with them, they are wonderful people, but I don’t want to feel a burden. At Welcome Wednesday however I don’t feel like that. They meet me wherever I am at emotionally that day and I don’t feel the need to hold back. It is nice to sit and talk with people who understand grief and all the ways that can show up for you. I find the things that I am not expecting upset me the most. I am prepared to be upset at birthdays and Christmas but it’s the days when it’s something little that I would have shared with her that get me the most. Everyone at the group have been great and always offer a comforting word no matter where they are on their own grief journey.

Dove House have helped me and my family in so many ways, and in a story that is so full of grief and loss, I feel that I have also gained so much. Their support has made me appreciate that I haven't just lost a Mum and stepdad; I have also gained support, friendship and understanding.
 
I have always supported this local charity, but now I myself have been supported by them, and realise the absolutely life changing work that they do to support people when they need it the most.