Matt's story

When my wife Sarah died, everything changed. I’ve always believed in talking openly about what we’re going through, and for me, sharing has been part of the healing. But for my boys, it was different.

In the early weeks and months, they seemed to be coping. On the surface, everything looked okay but I later learned that they were actually holding back a lot. They were worried about me, about adding any extra stress, so they tried to be strong for my sake.

My boys lost their mum’s love far too early. I love them to bits, of course, but I’m not their mum. She was the one they’d hug, the one they’d sit and chat with about anything and everything. That gap, that space only she could fill, was what concerned me the most.

A friend of mine who is a Trustee at Dove House told me about the Children’s Bereavement Service the hospice provide. The boys ended up having several one-to-one sessions with Jill, the Children’s Bereavement Counsellor, and although they only attended one group activity, those sessions made a big difference.They were open to attending from the start, a little cautious, maybe, but after they met Jill, they both said how lovely she was and were keen to see her again.They don’t tell me much about what they discuss in the sessions. I don’t think they want to burden me with their feelings, so I have to ask. When I do, they just say it was good, but it’s clear it means something to them. I didn’t see big changes in their behaviour, but I know it’s given them a safe place to talk about things they’re not ready to share with me.

Especially for James, my youngest, he’s not a big talker. I’m pretty sure Jill is the only person he’s truly opened up to about his mum’s death. If he hadn’t had that space, I think he would have bottled everything up.
I don’t think the sessions changed our family dynamic in a visible way, but I do think it’s helped the boys grow closer. Since Sarah died, they’ve supported each other more. I’m sure that having someone like Jill to talk to has helped them appreciate that they’re not alone in this, that they have each other.

As a dad, there are things I struggle to do, certain emotional conversations that don’t come easily. That’s where Jill has been invaluable. She’s kind, understanding, and so gentle with the boys. The support she’s given, especially to James, is something I’ll always be grateful for.

To any parent considering bereavement support for their children, I’d simply say this: it’s worth it. It gives your children a place to feel heard, a place to speak freely, without worrying about you. And sometimes, that’s exactly what they need.
 
Matt and his family shared their story in support of Children's grief Awareness week, to read more about it click here.