What is anticipatory grief?

Anticipatory grief is a feeling of grief that comes before an impending loss. Grieving before death is completely normal especially when a terminal diagnosis is given. You can be grieving the life you had planned, all of the things you had set out to do that you may not get to do, special occasions that your loved one may not be there for, not just the loss of that person.
 
Often with life-limiting illnesses your loved one can change and this can be hard to cope with emotionally. The grief you could experience may feel no different to grief you experience after a loved one dies but it can often be misunderstood and be hard to explain to others. You may feel as though you are putting your life on hold or feel frustrated, which is absolutely natural yet you may feel as though you would be judged for saying it.
Everyone grieves differently but the following feelings are very common.

 

Anticipatory grief is completely normal and isn’t talked about enough.

Shortly after Sally's mum passed away her family received the devastating news that her dad was dying. Sally shares with us how she was almost grieving the loss of her Dad before he died alongside the grief of losing her mum.

"Dad arrived at Dove House five weeks to the day since Mum had passed.  It was very quiet, everyone and everything was calm. We felt very overwhelmed.

A lovely nurse noticed and took me outside to help me process what was going on. She asked me if the Family Support Team could come and see me and that’s how I met the incredible Rebecca. She helped us every step of the way, through every wobble, we would have been lost without her.

I was struggling with the anticipatory grief of losing Dad when we were still grieving Mum. It felt so heavy. We found a camaraderie with the other relatives at the hospice which was invaluable. We became each other’s support network, and it was very needed. It made our situation a little more bearable."

Rebecca Brambles, our Family Support Team Leader shares with us her thoughts: 

"It's completely normal to begin grieving before death and it is our role to offer people reassurance around this. It can sometimes help to acknowledge this to people and help them understand this is part of the grieving process. All the feelings and thoughts experienced at this time can be just as intense and difficult as those after a death.

Sometimes family members may wish to initiate discussions around what happens when the person dies before this has happened. For some people, needing to prepare for the inevitable gives security at a difficult and uncertain time. This does not mean that they love the person any less. We can all be different in the ways that we would handle this situation."

Reaching out for support can feel uncomfortable but there are a range of groups at the hospice that might help. To find out more: Click here